The Full Velociraptor


In which Our Heroine considers a brief career change

On the downhill slope today as they slowly decrease the Special K and I get my brain back – home tomorrow.

The ol’ brain seems to have coped much better this time. No delightfully twee hallucinations this time, or numb tongues. I think Brain has figured out what this is all about. I hope it bodes well for future.

Life in hospital is never dull. Yesterday there was An Hilarious Mishap as the meals for half the ward went AWOL. The nurses came and sheepishly let me know that my dinner was ‘probably somewhere’ and I would ‘definitely get fed’ but I might have to wait. It seemed that the meals may or may not have been actually made, and nobody knew what was going on.

I didn’t mind in the slightest – 5:30pm is at least two hours too early in my opinion, plus I have a drawer full of snacks – but it was a lot of fun lying back and listening to the sounds of general panic breaking out among the poor catering staff: people running around and desperate phone calls and occasional shouting from various directions.

I gather from the chaos that the punters are considered just a single missing meal away from going the Full Velociraptor and breaking away from their beds and hunting down orderlies in packs to devour them in spooky stairwells and up on gantries.*

Luckily for the cleaning staff, the missing meals were found in very short order and delivered, still relatively warm, and all the exciting shouting and running around ended.

I missed it afterwards. Maybe I’ll watch Jurassic Park II today.

So this was yesterday’s culinary delight.


Primo: salt and pepper calamari
Secondo: risotto primavera con ‘WTF olives

Yes, I know, what the heck was I doing ordering seafood in hospital? But a) I love fish and felt like a change, b) I was insatiably curious, and c) I thought it might be funny to blog about.

But – aside from the moment when I lifted the lid and the characteristic fragrance of squid floated out and I thought: this is it, I’ve gone too far, everyone on flood 6 is going to have me lynched for certain this time – it was disappointingly benign. The smell rapidly dissipated and I was left with a limp, cooling version of bog-standard cafeteria S&P calamari on wilted iceberg.


Ocean Fresh (TM)

Oh well then, I supposed my entertainment would have to come from elsewhere.

Then I tasted this:


And it was pleasant enough, salty, but with a faint hint of something a bit … kind of like …

Yep. Those are slices of rubber-ring black olives, like they put on cheap pizzas.

Why? Why? I love olives as much as the next martini fiend – more, probably, I feel that olives are among mankind’s greatest gift from the gods (along with science, gin and puppies), but why these particular versions and why in a vegetable risotto?

The risotto would have been fine without them, so I don’t get the need to purchase and then use those slightly rancid rings of rubber tyres. I can’t imagine they use them for much else, so why go to all that actual effort when they could just have used tinned vegetables and it would have been both cheaper to produce and perfectly acceptable?

I will never understand. It is just one of those things that separates Elves from humanity.


Lemon myrtle chicken
‘Buttered’ noodles
Vegetables a la we-opened-a-packet

This was the mysterious runaway meal, and I fear it might have been okay to just stick with ny drawer full of miso soup and rice crackers.


The chicken was actually fine. I mean, yes, pallid and mournful-looking, but it was basically a piece of cooked chicken with some lemon myrtle sprinkled on it, which was nice enough.

The ‘buttered noodles’ made me feel a bit sad. There was no hint of butteriness or anything much, not even a tiny bit of saltiness. Just drying noodles that tasted of nothing. It seemed like a pity, that’s all: even 2-minute noodles have some flavour but this was just a pile of functional carbs.

The vegies were exactly what they looked like, no better and no worse, so that was all right.

Oh, and pudding was ‘stewed apples’ which were dry and crunchy, which also made me a bit sad. It was all a bit insipid after the excitements from before.

Perhaps a terrified orderly might have been nicer after all, but my bedtime cup of miso soup soothed me.

* I recently watched ‘Jurassic Park’ **

** I did consider the whole velociraptor thing but it seemed like so much effort and I didn’t fancy red meat.


2 thoughts on “The Full Velociraptor

  1. Kat

    I wish iPhone cameras weren’t so good these days. Could you please develop the shakes, so the images aren’t so clear? kthxbye – gotta go research restaurants and wipe my brain clear of these horrors.


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