I’ve officially reached Noticeably Stoned stage. I know this because last night one of the nurses said to me ‘OMG you are SO wired-looking!’ and my roomie suggested that I needed to settle myself and calm down for a while. *

And because when I was cleaning my teeth just now they started to look so … toothlike. I couldn’t stop staring at how toothy my teeth were. I looked at those toothy teeth for quite some time.

Also, when I look in the mirror I can see that I have one droopy half-closed red-rimmed eye and one bulgy fully open red-rimmed eye. Always a dead giveaway.


Droopy selfie

(If any of my nieces or nephews are reading: this /\ is what happens to people who take drugs. Drugs are bad, okay?)

And finally, last night when I was setting down to sleep I started hearing a scratchy old radio playing somewhere nearby. It wasn’t very loud so it didn’t bother me, it was just a sweet, nostalgic sort of sound.

Then I went to put in my earplugs and all the hospital sounds went blissfully away, except for that scratchy old radio, and I realised I was experiencing auditory hallucinations. Awesome!

I feel quite proud of myself for this. I didn’t get hallucinations last time although it’s something the nurses have to routinely ask – name, date of birth, any allergies, rate your pain levels, any hallucinations? And some of the nurses have shared some of the more fascinating hallucinations experienced by other patients; the writing scrolling on the walls and ceiling might be my favourite. Very Harry Potter. So I felt that I’d been missing out on the fun.

I don’t know if it’s cooler or sadder that mine are only auditory, but once again I’m amused at my own brain’s capacity for whimsical doolalliness.**

This apparently is worthy of being reported to the doctor, but at worst all it will do is slow the treatment down slightly, and I’m doing good time on it so no biggie.

And it’s not at all loud or annoying, in fact it’s much nicer than my usual tinnitus. I’ll swap this one for the regular, thanks. It’s like some old wartime radio programme being played on a big wooden set in another room. I can’t quite make out what the announcer is saying*** or the tunes of the big band-style music, but I almost can. It’s a cosy sort of sound.

I’m just glad it isn’t aliens coming out of the walls or anything scary.

So what with being stoned and hallucinating, my life is so busy and glamorous that I’ve barely time to fit anything more in! I’m shoehorning a tension headache in there though, just for funsies. And feverishly eating figs. Just sayin’.


* ‘You’re in Disneyland, I think you should stop wandering around and just lie down for a bit,’ she said to me. I’ve just now overheard her on the phone talking with her daughter, who I’ve met. ‘Ooh, yes, she’s in Disneyland!’ she’s saying to her daughter. ‘And she won’t take me with her.’

**Also I’d spent yesterday afternoon watching Dad’s Army and chortling, so that might have something to do with it.

***’… That was Mr Tucker Elliott and his band all the way from the Pacific Hideaway Hotel in sunny California, playing the “Orange Blossom Beguine”. And now, a quick message from our sponsors. Ladies! Does your war service mean that you come home at night too tired to cook a proper meal for your family? Times are hard but you don’t want your family to suffer because you’re out there doing your part for your country. Try Mrs Robinson’s Tinned Puddings! They’re full of nutritious dried fruit and they taste just like your own home-cooking. Your family will love them. Ask your grocer for the economical Mrs Robinson’s Tinned Puddings which will give your family a satisfying hot pudding for sixpence. Now, back to our regular program of dance music.’****

****I’m obsessed with wartime radio so Stoner Brain has loooots of ammunition.


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