Hardly surprisingly after my busy weekend, I am having a bad fatigue day today. It is the world’s most perfect spring day and ideal for getting stuff done. But it started badly when I had to get up early to work for a few hours, waking from a restless sleep and a very nasty dream. This never helps.
Then I have found it difficult all day. Just … difficult. Everything. It has been difficult to eat (food, yawn, so uninteresting) and difficult to get inspired to do anything, and my body is so exhausted that I could be lying flat on my back on a comfy bed, and still feel so exhausted that every cell in my body tries to tell me that I should be lying flat on my back on a comfy bed. Even though I already am.
This is Fatigue, which is different from mere tiredness. The best way to deal with Fatigue is to try not to spend the whole day lying flat on my back on a comfy bed, apparently. So I’ve been flopping around miserably instead.
A short time ago I got The Phone Call – the results from my bone scan. All clear.
In reality this is a good thing, I guess. It means we now know the pain has a muscular origin. The plan is to keep up treatment for a few months (painkillers, exercise) and see what happens, and if it doesn’t improve, look at steroid injections.
However, my fatigued, miserable brain immediately jumped to several conclusions:
- Everybody will just assume I’m inventing it.
- If it’s muscular, how come months, even years of exercising, heat, massage, physio and other therapies have done nothing but make it worse?
- It will never improve. Another thirty years down the track I’ll still be in agony and everybody will be sick of hearing about it and just tell me to shut up.
- What if I’m fine for the next three months, then go back to work and it all flares right up again?
- I’m doomed to live in agony forever. People will line the streets to throw rocks at me in anger because I contribute nothing to Society.
It is just slightly possible * that this tendency I have to create immense drama out of nothing contributes somewhat to my overall pain levels.
This is my reaction to hearing the good news that the inflammation is not in my bones.
I suspect that once I have absorbed things properly, and had a good night’s sleep and gotten a few spoons back, that I will accept that the only thing that has changed as a result of this test is having a better knowledge of what is causing the pain.
i admit, though, that my faith in the possibility of recovery has been badly eroded. I have put so much time and energy into dealing with this pain already to no real effect, why should the next few months be any different?
The answer, of course, is that I won’t be at work. And I know for a fact that work makes my back pain bad.
So the question that remains to be answered is this: can I manage over the next three months to achieve some magical breakthrough that will allow me to work? Is it even possible? If so, how?
Stay tuned. In the meantime I’m planning a very early night.
* It’s a long shot, I know.